Back in the Infusion Chair

Hi there beloveds,

I woke up this morning with a lot to talk about, a lot to say, I was optimistic, hopeful, I was proud of myself. It took less than an hour of a broken healthcare system to crush that.

The lack of care and attention by professionals is demoralizing, dehumanizing and has thrown my mental health out of whack. I’m angry today and those of you who know me best know anger is not an emotion I even remotely like, let alone get anything from. But I’m pissed off, this process should not be so hard. I have no interest in going into specifics, but having to sit here for 2-3 more hours for infusion feels icky. It just doesn’t feel right at all after this morning. But sit here I will because what else can I do but leave and put my physical health at risk. That kind of lack of trust in these situations is a scary thing.

So I’m going now to get back to the blog I had intended to write. The radiation and chemo continue to be hard, very hard, but I will keep fighting my way through the walls.

Yesterday was an interesting day in that it was both a failure and just the failure I needed. I had to take a mental health day from radiation yesterday, I just couldn’t do it, could not go through the motions, and just survive through. At first I was really mad at myself and felt like I had completely failed. Yet, I got a good night’s sleep last night without dry heaving for what feels like the first time in months.

I woke up optimistic and clear headed which helped me to get good nutrition. It let me start thinking about what I want to focus on after treatment.

I am so happy to be alive, but I don’t want to just live. I want to live a life of connection and meaning. I haven’t said it very often, but I’ve always dreamed of being a writer. I’ve decided I’m going to dedicate myself to the pursuit of that.

I want to develop my creative voice and point of view. I want to improve, technically in my writing. Mostly, I want to get the useful and interesting ideas I have to the people who appreciate them.

I know I have a number of writer friends. I would love any of the advice you might have for me. Right now, I am trying to research some classes online because I thrive in the classroom setting and find the accountability of it useful. It is a little overwhelming figuring out what are my best options.

I’m excited that I am starting to look forward. That is a good sign. It took me a very long time to do that last time with the cancer. The idea of writing, just like writing this, sparks something in me.

Tammy and I are going on a mini vacation this weekend as soon as I am done with treatment today. I need to see something other than my house and the hospital. It was more than I would like to mostly just be in a hotel but it is still very needed.

Tammy and I are trying to plan some fun stuff and I’m looking forward to it. We got tickets to see Flogging Molly the day my radiation ends. I’m excited because they put on one of the best shows out there.

I know this continues to be a long journey for me and I don’t know what changes it will bring. All I can do is find the most positive ways to move forward.

I want y’all to know talking to you like this is so helpful. I feel a lot better with getting out the frustration I did earlier. Because I can tell you about it, it hasn’t festered inside, thank you. Thank you, for being my beloveds. Writing to you brings happiness, and that means everything to me.